School Daze
One day a little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
School Books
• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through the First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I.M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt
The Warning
Little Jon wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with a warning. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
The Top 6 Signs Your Child's Teacher Is Experiencing Burnout
• Spelling test words: "Go," "Home," "Already."
• She spends an inordinate amount of every parent-teacher conference extolling the virtues of home-schooling.
• Lately, all the math homework has involved calculating how long it will take Teacher A on Flight 201 out of Boston to reach Maui.
• "Because the scalpel method is much too slow, we're going to speed up the frog dissection with this blender."
• You hear your kindergartner singing, "A-B-C-D, E-whatever, whatever...."
• Your son comes home with a report card comment that reads, "Johnny is a snot-nosed brat, just like the other 23 losers in his class!"
Fifty Bucks
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... when they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Barking dog
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this!" He rushes downstairs and a bit of time passes before he finally returns. Pat says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Chris says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how they like it!"
I need a raise
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday's Funnies
A Proper Burial
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.... and unto the Sonnnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
Unbiased Opinions
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
The Proof
During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
Answering machine message
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
A real person
Staffing the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Helping the environment
Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Aging words
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away.... So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"
Password
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital…
One too many flower shops
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.
Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.
Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.... and unto the Sonnnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."
Unbiased Opinions
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
The Proof
During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
Answering machine message
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
A real person
Staffing the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
Helping the environment
Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Aging words
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away.... So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"
Password
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital…
One too many flower shops
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.
Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.
Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Just a minute, please. MOM! Jimmy's hitting me again!"
Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all." The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way." They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Good For Business
A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. "I'm sorry you weren't able to come to my party last night," she said. "You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there." "Your party has done me good," he said. "I've just seen five of your dinner guests."
Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters
When entering a hotel (where she and her husband were staying), Gladys, a devout Baptist, noticed a shabbily dressed man lounging idly in front of the newspaper stand in the lobby. She noticed that several men stopped to talk to him and gave him a little money. He seemed so cheered by the encounters. She impulsively put ten dollars in an envelope, wrote "God Bless" on the outside, and handed it to him. The next day, the man stopped her on the street. "Here's your $250," he said, cheerily. "God Bless won, 25 to 1!"
How To Go
Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son's base from my home in Maryland. So I typed "Wahiawa, Hawaii." I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii."
Checkmate
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Eat this root
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil ,here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Dream
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?!" echoed the dean, much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Record store
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and 11 children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Dental forms
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?" "No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still have to pay us."
Your turn
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus!'
Directions
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"And why is that may I ask?" Rev. Graham replied.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Just a minute, please. MOM! Jimmy's hitting me again!"
Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way." The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all." The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way." They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked. The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Good For Business
A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. "I'm sorry you weren't able to come to my party last night," she said. "You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there." "Your party has done me good," he said. "I've just seen five of your dinner guests."
Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters
When entering a hotel (where she and her husband were staying), Gladys, a devout Baptist, noticed a shabbily dressed man lounging idly in front of the newspaper stand in the lobby. She noticed that several men stopped to talk to him and gave him a little money. He seemed so cheered by the encounters. She impulsively put ten dollars in an envelope, wrote "God Bless" on the outside, and handed it to him. The next day, the man stopped her on the street. "Here's your $250," he said, cheerily. "God Bless won, 25 to 1!"
How To Go
Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son's base from my home in Maryland. So I typed "Wahiawa, Hawaii." I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii."
Checkmate
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Eat this root
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil ,here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
The Dream
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?!" echoed the dean, much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Record store
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and 11 children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Dental forms
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?" "No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still have to pay us."
Your turn
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus!'
Directions
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"And why is that may I ask?" Rev. Graham replied.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Tidy Room
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
The Park Lady
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
For Women Only
• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy guys!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
The Job Interview
Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Applicant: "The living one."
Grandpa's Promise
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was judged to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
The Park Lady
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
For Women Only
• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
• Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy guys!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
The Job Interview
Interviewer: "If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Applicant: "The living one."
Grandpa's Promise
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was judged to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Friday, August 6, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Three Expectant Fathers
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
Basketball Game
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Trying To Please
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
Exemplary Congregant
The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending our church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money." The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Thought For Today
If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.
World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan / Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
And just added:
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi
Attention Shoppers
"Memo to the people who leave their shopping carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: I'm the one who puts all of the extra items in there while you're away."
Roses
As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."
The Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
Feeling Fine
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on TV, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of cola, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.
Basketball Game
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
Trying To Please
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
Exemplary Congregant
The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending our church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money." The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Thought For Today
If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.
World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan / Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
And just added:
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi
Attention Shoppers
"Memo to the people who leave their shopping carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: I'm the one who puts all of the extra items in there while you're away."
Roses
As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."
The Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
Feeling Fine
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on TV, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of cola, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Mysterious Auto Noises
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Fear Not
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
What Matters
A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
A Word of Advice
"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.
Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Who's To Blame?
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."
The Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Raving on
Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."
Trash into treasure
Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.
Useful Metric Conversions
• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Fear Not
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" a friend asked him. "I just heard the nurse say, ‘It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you," the friend assured him, adding, "What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
What Matters
A city slicker came to a fork in a country road. "Hey, old-timer," he shouted to a farmer who was working out in his field. "I'm headed to Brownsville. Does it make any difference which road I take?" The old man looked at him and said, "Not to me, it don't."
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
A Word of Advice
"Laugh a little each day — it's better than chicken soup." At least that's what the chickens say.
Dark Parachute Jumps
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites. "Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?" In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"
Who's To Blame?
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."
The Meeting
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Raving on
Some outlaws compose their own punchlines, but Malcolm Roberts chose one from his hero. The 59-year-old Briton may lose his home for jamming out to old Buddy Holly tunes too loudly. Roberts says he won't turn down the volume when he cranks out songs by the classic rock 'n' roller in his Leeds apartment. Elderly neighbors complained about the incessant and loud guitar music, and the community association has pledged to kick him out if he doesn't desist. When given the ultimatum to turn down or pack up, the Yorkshire Evening Post reported that Roberts quoted Holly: "That'll be the day when I die."
Trash into treasure
Was Doc Brown of Back to the Future fame onto something when he redesigned the flux capacitor to operate on household waste? Jeff Surma, president of Integrated Environmental Technologies, thinks so. After a few years of development, IET created a device that can turn most rubbish into an alternative energy source. Using man-made lightning, the company can vaporize, not incinerate, about one ton of garbage into about five cubic feet of glass. When scientists at IET put a tennis shoe in their plasma melter, the device vaporized most of the shoe, leaving a small glass pellet that Surma says can be used as filler for road construction. As for the nearly four gallons of gas created by vaporizing the plastic shoe: Surma says that can be turned into an alternative fuel.
Useful Metric Conversions
• 1 million phones = 1 megaphone
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
• 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Sprechen Sie Was?
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."
Travel Papers
"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"
Bedtime Issues
"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."
Time Weighs Heavy
A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"
Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.
Teacher's golf lesson
The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
How Canada got its name
The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.
You're Canadian if...
•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?
Literally Speaking
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Chatter Box
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
New Technology
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."
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