Return Policy
A woman who was trying on a floor-length mink coat admired herself in it, and said to the clerk, "If my husband doesn't like it, will you promise me that you'll refuse to take it back?"
The Help
A father was showing pictures of his wedding to his young son. The boy asked, "Is that when Mother came to work for us?"
Topsy Turvy
Sign spotted in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs."
The Toll
Notice seen by a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
Just Checking
If you find any mistakes in this publication, they are there for a purpose. We try to offer something for everyone. Some people always look for mistakes, and we don't want to disappoint them.
The sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
10 Reasons It Stinks To Work in a Cubicle...
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though.)
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! "
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, SIR, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, GRANDMA, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THAT TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US". THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS! GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "OH YES, I REMEMBER."
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday's Funnies
A Crazy Test
Visiting the psych ward, Jon asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," Jon said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Welcome. Would you like a bed near a window?"
Bank Stimulus
Husband: "Hey, the bank just returned this check."
Wife: "Isn't that nice of them? What can we buy with it this time?"
Mothers At The Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby. Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked. "No, they're three months apart." "My! You sure had them close together."
For Lexophiles
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium, at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Lost In The Translation
A friend ran the following through Google translate 6 times and the results are hilarious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could.
French
Combien de bois serait un mandrin marmotte, si une marmotte pouvait Chuck bois?
Une marmotte serait Chuck autant de bois comme une marmotte pouvait.
Arabic
كيف الخشب بكثير فإن تشوك الفأر الجبلي الفأر الجبلي إذا كان يمكن أن تشاك الخشب؟
الفأر الجبلي والخشب وتشاك بقدر ما يمكن أن الفأر الجبلي.
Latvian
Cik daudz koka, Chuck Woodchuck Woodchuck ja viņš varētu spīļpatronu koka?
Woodchuck, Koks un Chuck cik vien iespējams, pele kalnu.
Bulgarian
Колко дърво, северноамерикански мармот северноамерикански мармот Чък, ако той може да патронник дърво?
Северноамерикански мармот, дърво и Чък, доколкото е възможно, мишка планината.
Welsh
Sut taflu llawer woodchuck pren woodchuck os gallai chuck bren?
Woodchuck, taflu pren ac mor bell ag y bo modd, mynydd llygoden.
And back to English:
How to throw a lot woodchuck could chuck wood woodchuck if a timber?
Woodchuck, discarded wood and as far as possible, mountain mouse.
Kids Know Best
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Jon, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Visiting the psych ward, Jon asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," Jon said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Welcome. Would you like a bed near a window?"
Bank Stimulus
Husband: "Hey, the bank just returned this check."
Wife: "Isn't that nice of them? What can we buy with it this time?"
Mothers At The Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby. Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked. "No, they're three months apart." "My! You sure had them close together."
For Lexophiles
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium, at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Lost In The Translation
A friend ran the following through Google translate 6 times and the results are hilarious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could.
French
Combien de bois serait un mandrin marmotte, si une marmotte pouvait Chuck bois?
Une marmotte serait Chuck autant de bois comme une marmotte pouvait.
Arabic
كيف الخشب بكثير فإن تشوك الفأر الجبلي الفأر الجبلي إذا كان يمكن أن تشاك الخشب؟
الفأر الجبلي والخشب وتشاك بقدر ما يمكن أن الفأر الجبلي.
Latvian
Cik daudz koka, Chuck Woodchuck Woodchuck ja viņš varētu spīļpatronu koka?
Woodchuck, Koks un Chuck cik vien iespējams, pele kalnu.
Bulgarian
Колко дърво, северноамерикански мармот северноамерикански мармот Чък, ако той може да патронник дърво?
Северноамерикански мармот, дърво и Чък, доколкото е възможно, мишка планината.
Welsh
Sut taflu llawer woodchuck pren woodchuck os gallai chuck bren?
Woodchuck, taflu pren ac mor bell ag y bo modd, mynydd llygoden.
And back to English:
How to throw a lot woodchuck could chuck wood woodchuck if a timber?
Woodchuck, discarded wood and as far as possible, mountain mouse.
Kids Know Best
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Jon, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Closing For Good
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what is in here?” “I know!” A little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”
Anyone Else?
In his search for a bird's nest, a man fell over a cliff, but saved himself by clinging to a branch. Not knowing how to get back up, he heard a voice that said, "I can help you. I am the Lord. Do you believe I can help you?" "Of course," the man said. "I trust You completely." "Then," said the Lord, "let go and I will take care of you." Silence. "Well, what do you say?" the Lord asked. Again, a long silence, before the man called out, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Vacation Time
My husband was describing our upcoming holiday at a resort to our four children, aged three to nine. It was at a place where the beds would be made, he told them, the meals would be cooked, and all the cleaning would be done for us. Our oldest child looked puzzled, asking, "Then what's Mommy coming for?"
Economic Stimulus Payment Explained
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.
New businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Kids will be kids
Our six children always hear their home schooling mom lecture on the importance of reading. Amanda, 2 1/2, was greatly impressed one day as she observed her great-grandmother put newspaper on the bathroom floor and shut in her puppy. Surprised, Amanda queried, "Puppy reading?"
Sue Hendrickson / Denton, Texas
According to our seven-year-old, the Declaration of Independence is when "they signed everyone up for freedom!"
Mary Detweiler / Akron, Ohio
I was puzzled by an answer given by a student to the question: "How many right angles does a square have?" He kept responding, "Two." Just how inadequate my explanation of right angles had been was made clear as he continued, "A square has two right angles . . . and two left angles."
Kristin H. Johnson / Englewood, Colorado
Austin requested prayer from his kindergarten teacher for his hospitalized grandfather. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. "I don't know," Austin replied. "All I know is that he is in 'expensive care.'"
Mary E. Davis / Pitman, New Jersey
After a particularly rousing song, our pregnant song leader said, "Whew, the bigger I get, the more out of breath I get." A kindergartner sighed sympathetically, "Me too."
Nicole Callan / St. Louis, Missouri
Each week, our spelling list includes a book of the Bible. My nine-year-old was relieved to learn the meaning of Lamentations. "Oh, good! I thought it was something from inside a lamb!"
Janice Elder/ Columbus, North Carolina
In October, we celebrate Winnie-the-Pooh's birthday. So for the occasion, I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt and Pooh socks, even though they didn't exactly match. When one of my preschoolers saw the outfit, she asked, "Did you want to wear that or did your mommy make you?"
Pamela Beckelhymer / Lafayette, Indiana
We drive an older model van that often has operational difficulties. One morning as our five children clambered into the van for the mile drive to school, Jonathan, age four, leaned over the seat and asked. "Which part of the van are we praying for this morning?"
Joyce Bentch / Cleburne, Texas
Once a week, my children complete an exercise in locating information on various subjects. One of the questions Sean had to answer was, "What do you call the head of a synagogue?" Dumfounded, he told his sister, "I don't even know what kind of animal a synagogue is!"
Janis Hardimann / Melrose, Massachusetts
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what is in here?” “I know!” A little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”
Anyone Else?
In his search for a bird's nest, a man fell over a cliff, but saved himself by clinging to a branch. Not knowing how to get back up, he heard a voice that said, "I can help you. I am the Lord. Do you believe I can help you?" "Of course," the man said. "I trust You completely." "Then," said the Lord, "let go and I will take care of you." Silence. "Well, what do you say?" the Lord asked. Again, a long silence, before the man called out, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Vacation Time
My husband was describing our upcoming holiday at a resort to our four children, aged three to nine. It was at a place where the beds would be made, he told them, the meals would be cooked, and all the cleaning would be done for us. Our oldest child looked puzzled, asking, "Then what's Mommy coming for?"
Economic Stimulus Payment Explained
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.
New businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Kids will be kids
Our six children always hear their home schooling mom lecture on the importance of reading. Amanda, 2 1/2, was greatly impressed one day as she observed her great-grandmother put newspaper on the bathroom floor and shut in her puppy. Surprised, Amanda queried, "Puppy reading?"
Sue Hendrickson / Denton, Texas
According to our seven-year-old, the Declaration of Independence is when "they signed everyone up for freedom!"
Mary Detweiler / Akron, Ohio
I was puzzled by an answer given by a student to the question: "How many right angles does a square have?" He kept responding, "Two." Just how inadequate my explanation of right angles had been was made clear as he continued, "A square has two right angles . . . and two left angles."
Kristin H. Johnson / Englewood, Colorado
Austin requested prayer from his kindergarten teacher for his hospitalized grandfather. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. "I don't know," Austin replied. "All I know is that he is in 'expensive care.'"
Mary E. Davis / Pitman, New Jersey
After a particularly rousing song, our pregnant song leader said, "Whew, the bigger I get, the more out of breath I get." A kindergartner sighed sympathetically, "Me too."
Nicole Callan / St. Louis, Missouri
Each week, our spelling list includes a book of the Bible. My nine-year-old was relieved to learn the meaning of Lamentations. "Oh, good! I thought it was something from inside a lamb!"
Janice Elder/ Columbus, North Carolina
In October, we celebrate Winnie-the-Pooh's birthday. So for the occasion, I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt and Pooh socks, even though they didn't exactly match. When one of my preschoolers saw the outfit, she asked, "Did you want to wear that or did your mommy make you?"
Pamela Beckelhymer / Lafayette, Indiana
We drive an older model van that often has operational difficulties. One morning as our five children clambered into the van for the mile drive to school, Jonathan, age four, leaned over the seat and asked. "Which part of the van are we praying for this morning?"
Joyce Bentch / Cleburne, Texas
Once a week, my children complete an exercise in locating information on various subjects. One of the questions Sean had to answer was, "What do you call the head of a synagogue?" Dumfounded, he told his sister, "I don't even know what kind of animal a synagogue is!"
Janis Hardimann / Melrose, Massachusetts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Politician On The Stand
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Retiree
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"
His Logic
Five months pregnant and ravenous, I decided a second helping of dinner was in order. Of course, as soon as I spooned more food onto my plate, my husband had something so say about it. "Remember. I'm eating for two," I reminded him. "True, he said."But how many are you exercising for?"
Real Faith
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
Pizza coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, a mother handed him some money and a discount coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
The mightiest
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!” Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified deer stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!” On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, “Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset.”
Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll do it again!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago…'
Brilliant!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Retiree
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"
His Logic
Five months pregnant and ravenous, I decided a second helping of dinner was in order. Of course, as soon as I spooned more food onto my plate, my husband had something so say about it. "Remember. I'm eating for two," I reminded him. "True, he said."But how many are you exercising for?"
Real Faith
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
Pizza coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, a mother handed him some money and a discount coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
The mightiest
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!” Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified deer stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!” On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, “Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset.”
Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll do it again!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago…'
Brilliant!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Wedded Wisdom
Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:
He: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
She: "Never correct your husband's spelling."
The Bachelor Preacher's Solution
Old aunts used to come up to Paul at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, told him, "You're next." They stopped after he started doing the same thing to them at funerals…
Long Distance
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
He Learned Good
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop. My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked. "Yeah, you was my English teacher." Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
Young patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
Little Jon
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Jon stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Jon?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Jon. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Jon wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Jon! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Jon quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Jon asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The economy is so bad that . . .
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally....
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:
He: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
She: "Never correct your husband's spelling."
The Bachelor Preacher's Solution
Old aunts used to come up to Paul at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, told him, "You're next." They stopped after he started doing the same thing to them at funerals…
Long Distance
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
He Learned Good
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop. My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked. "Yeah, you was my English teacher." Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
Young patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
Little Jon
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Jon stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Jon?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Jon. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Jon wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Jon! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Jon quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Jon asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The economy is so bad that . . .
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally....
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Computer Lingo
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
Too Young
Little Tim sat in the church service and watched as the offering plates came around. When they neared his pew, he spoke out loud so everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
Oops
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says. "That's okay, Dad," the son says. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Great Healthcare
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"
Actual Newspaper Headlines
• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Letter of recommendation
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
The broken lawn mower…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a definite limp.
You didn't think...?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Tattoo
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
Waiting room
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
Too Young
Little Tim sat in the church service and watched as the offering plates came around. When they neared his pew, he spoke out loud so everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
Oops
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says. "That's okay, Dad," the son says. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Great Healthcare
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"
Actual Newspaper Headlines
• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Letter of recommendation
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
The broken lawn mower…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a definite limp.
You didn't think...?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Tattoo
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
Waiting room
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday's Funnies
What if musicians ran the country?
Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Perspective
My ten-year-old son, Justin and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Justin, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, Justin replied, "My brother."
Exercise Machine
Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Achievement
I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
Oops
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"
Three Signs That You Are No Longer a Kid
1. Naps are good.
2. Your parents' jokes are funny.
3. When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do-over!"
Computer Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
1. Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"
2. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.
3. Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.
4. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
5. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."
6. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
The Mixup
A Philadelphia law firm sent flowers to an associate firm in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon on the floral arrangement read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let out a cry of alarm. "Good grief," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, 'Congratulations on your New Location!'"
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Michigan . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Call me an idiot
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Perspective
My ten-year-old son, Justin and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Justin, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, Justin replied, "My brother."
Exercise Machine
Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Achievement
I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
Oops
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"
Three Signs That You Are No Longer a Kid
1. Naps are good.
2. Your parents' jokes are funny.
3. When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do-over!"
Computer Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
1. Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"
2. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.
3. Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.
4. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
5. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."
6. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
The Mixup
A Philadelphia law firm sent flowers to an associate firm in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon on the floral arrangement read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let out a cry of alarm. "Good grief," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, 'Congratulations on your New Location!'"
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Michigan . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Call me an idiot
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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