"Error messages"
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
+++++
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
+++++
"Garden of Eden"
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
+++++
"Flattered"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++
"Perfect Golf Shot "
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."
Friday, February 22, 2008
Funnies for February 15, 2008
The Valentine Sprit
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
In Her Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"
The Whistle
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"
The New Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
Arrival Confirmation
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."
Visiting Grandpa
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
A Matter Of Timing
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Playing Hookie
My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."
Confused
An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Friday's Funnies
An interview with an 80-year-old woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
Classes for MEN THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Thursday, January 31st 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 2
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 4
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 5
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 6
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 7
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 8
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 9
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 10
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 11
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Gas Prices
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" he asked. "It cost the same as always," she replied. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
+++++
Classes for MEN THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Thursday, January 31st 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 2
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 4
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 5
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 6
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 7
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 8
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 9
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 10
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 11
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Gas Prices
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" he asked. "It cost the same as always," she replied. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
Friday, January 11, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Jimmy came to his mom and asked, "Mom, what would you like for your birthday
this year?" "I would like three well-behaved children!" Jim looked up surprised. "Then there would be six of us!"
+++++
True Love
After eight years of marriage, my husband and I decided to make some changes in our lives. He went on a strict diet - he would eventually lose 50 pounds - and I took a job in a small diner. After my first day at the diner I returned home from work and gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply, "but you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go!"
Validation
In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."
Perspective
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous." The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus"
+++++
The Bible according to children..... Priceless.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden . Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born
in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I
Was). During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.
this year?" "I would like three well-behaved children!" Jim looked up surprised. "Then there would be six of us!"
+++++
True Love
After eight years of marriage, my husband and I decided to make some changes in our lives. He went on a strict diet - he would eventually lose 50 pounds - and I took a job in a small diner. After my first day at the diner I returned home from work and gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply, "but you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go!"
Validation
In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."
Perspective
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous." The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus"
+++++
The Bible according to children..... Priceless.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden . Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born
in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I
Was). During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Friday's Funnies
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.
13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
+++++
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
Have you broken your last New Year's Resolutions? Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
+++++
Getting older
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
+++++
College Grad
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
+++++
The Bathroom Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"OH I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.
13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
+++++
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
Have you broken your last New Year's Resolutions? Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
+++++
Getting older
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
+++++
College Grad
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
+++++
The Bathroom Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"OH I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Friday, December 28, 2007
Funnies for 12/28/2007
"The pearly gates"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
+++++
"Sign language for the dentist"
You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++
NATURAL BORN
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, little Arnie raised his hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
LOST IN CANADA
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
CAR ADS, TRANSLATED
- Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet
- Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter
- Very clean - only washed if and when it rains
- Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics
- Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats
- Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap
- Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place
- Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week
- Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph
ENVIRONMENTALIST
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory”.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
+++++
"Sign language for the dentist"
You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++
NATURAL BORN
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, little Arnie raised his hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
LOST IN CANADA
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
CAR ADS, TRANSLATED
- Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet
- Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter
- Very clean - only washed if and when it rains
- Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics
- Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats
- Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap
- Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place
- Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week
- Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph
ENVIRONMENTALIST
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory”.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Funnies for 12/21/2007
SHOPPING EARLY
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" The prisoner looked up and explained, "Before the store opened."
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
- It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
- Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
- Wearing white is always appropriate.
- Winter is the best of the four seasons.
- It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
- There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
- The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
- We're all made up of mostly water.
- You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
- Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
- Avoid yellow snow.
- Don't get too much sun.
- It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
- It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
- Always put your best foot forward.
- There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
+++++
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
+++++
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
+++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++
THE TRUTH
When Arnie assumed his first pastorate, he was eager to make sure the church's employees would like him. Consequently, he called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID WHEN...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" The prisoner looked up and explained, "Before the store opened."
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
- It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
- Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
- Wearing white is always appropriate.
- Winter is the best of the four seasons.
- It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
- There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
- The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
- We're all made up of mostly water.
- You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
- Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
- Avoid yellow snow.
- Don't get too much sun.
- It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
- It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
- Always put your best foot forward.
- There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
+++++
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
+++++
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
+++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++
THE TRUTH
When Arnie assumed his first pastorate, he was eager to make sure the church's employees would like him. Consequently, he called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID WHEN...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
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