Steak
Waiter:
How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir:
Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter:
Rare it is.
Italian
Pasta Diet
1.
You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Bada bing, bada boom! You lose weight!
Garden
of Eden
After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father,
what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us
out of house and home."
Sports
Repairman
Three
women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one
says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford.
He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago." The second woman says, "You know my son,
he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a
million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, "You know my son,
he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now
makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports
repairman." The other two women ask, "What is a sports
repairman?" The woman then replies,
"He fixes things... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball
games...."
Book
Titles and Authors
Animal
Illnesses ............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation ... Francis Crowded
Downpour! ..................... Wayne Dwops
Cloning ........................... Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring .................. Lynn O'Leum
Inflammation, Please ..... Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah ........... Ollie Luyah
House
Construction ……… Bill Jerome
Home Unemployed ……… Anita Job
Home Alone IV ……………… Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll …………………. Alison Wonderland
Leo
Tolstoy……………………... Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast .. Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower …………. Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ………………. Sue Flay
Work
People who do lots of work ... make lots of mistakes.
People who do less work ... make less mistakes.
People who do no work ... make no mistakes.
People who make no mistakes ... get promoted.
So that's why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work. I want a
promotion!
Sweet
Nothings
Three
couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were
eating the first husband looked lovingly at his wife and said to her,
"Please pass the honey, honey." The second husband thinks to
himself, I need to step up my game. So, he looked at his wife and said,
"Please pass the sugar, sugar." The third husband starts to panic
because he needs to hit his comment out of the park. So, he holds his
wife's hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, "Please pass
the tea...bag.” AND that's when the fight started.
Police Stop
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We
just laughed and laughed...I need bail money.
Spelling
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate emailed
technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him
straight. "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote.
"In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft
program." A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."
Praying
Positions
A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer,
while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely
the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the
minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru
said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the
floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer: "Hey,
fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was
hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Dad Joke
It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a
spokesperson.
Today’s Thought
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.
