Friday's Funnies

 

Goal

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

 

Emergency Call

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"

So True

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Kids in Church

 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Word Plays

~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

Lawyer's Son

 

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

At A Restaurant

 

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

 

One-liners

 

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

Dad Joke

 

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park...

It has several slides.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers: "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Deceit Sermon

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Baking

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, "About 10 years."

Getting Old

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

What!

Mom: "Eat your breakfast."
Son: "Why?"
Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?"
Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy."

Cousin Elly

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Why?

1.           Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2.           If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3.           If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4.           Why do we say something is out of : whack? What is a whack?

5.           Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6.           Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7.           Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8.           Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9.           Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10.         Why is it called "after dark" when it really is : "after light"?

11.         Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12.         Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13.         Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean : opposite things?

Makes Sense Now

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Oneliners

- The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
- An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
- If you solved the NY Times' Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.
- A word of advice... don't give it.
- If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
- I am logged in... therefore, I am.
- A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
- Justice is blind and in some cases... deaf and dumb.
- To belittle is to be little.
- Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
- The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
- I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
- A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
- Once you pass 40, your "big break" will probably be a bone.
- Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality... it's about politics.
- Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
- Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Dad Joke

The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round.

They traveled in different circles. 

Today’s Thought

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.

Friday's Funnies

 May The 4th Be With You!

- Did you hear that your local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars Day on May 4th with an Anakin special? It's an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

- What happens if you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight? Watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

- Did you hear about the girl who is still single on Star Wars Day? Apparently, she's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

- How to trigger a Star Wars fan on May 4th? Go Fourth and Prosper!

- What do you call a bubble tea party on Star Wars Day? A Boba Fete.

Daily Planet Budget Constraints 

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please, show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."

Coffee Shop

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights" The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."  "Oh," says the waitress.  The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy asks, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."

Take Your Pet To School Day

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally, the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

Four People on an Airplane

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."

Leadership Memos

Memo from the company's Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Dad Joke

Horses have lower divorce rates. It's because they're in stable relationships.

Today’s Thought

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for a few days.