Friday's Funnies

Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide.

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza! I already take medicine ...

-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other sources of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT??

- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

Longevity

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.  He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Calling In

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"

Breakfast

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Sue, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband. She replied, "Toast and juice."

The Dancer

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Oops

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

How Tired Are You?

·        You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Good-bye."

·        Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Too busy to talk!" and hang up.

·        You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to eat.

·        Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

·        You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

·        You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your cell phone will go off before your alarm does.

Smarty

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.   The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Today’s Thought

Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing. 

Friday's Funnies

How Dare they

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said John very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're absolutely right it wasn't," she said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!"

Support

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

Reliable Grandmas

If a mom says, "no," ask Grandma. If Grandma says "no," then... Wait, who are we kidding? Grandma never says, "No!"

Problem Solved

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.  "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."  Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"  When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.  Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.  Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Glossary of Medical Terms (Down-Home Version)

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than dayrates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

What It Wasn't

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a girl," came the reply.

Shorts

-        Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

-        What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

-        The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

Hiding Out

A man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Wisdom For Long Life

-        Don't throw a brick straight up.

-        Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

-        Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

-        If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

-        No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

-        When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Today’s Thought

Have a GREAT DAY . . . unless you have other plans.

Friday's Funnies

The Password Is

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.  We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So, we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123."

Lazy Worker

A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.  "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."  Nine hands went up.  "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.  "Too much trouble," he responded.

Dogs and Cats

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Stingy Miser

A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.  On his deathbed, he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"  His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.  So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony, the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.  The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"  The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."  "You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"  "I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

Smarty

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."  Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Another Blonde Joke

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".  Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."  After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."  A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

New Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.  As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  "It's perfect!" he exclaimed.  "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."  Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

You Know You Have A Big Dog When...

·    -   The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

·    -   You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

·    -    It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vet’s.

·    -    You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

·    -    You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

·    -    You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

·    -    You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

·    -    You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

·    -    You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

·    -    You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"

·    -   Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

·    -    You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

Fiancée

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.  "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.  "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.  "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.  "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Today’s Thought

For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.