Friday's Funnies

Hearing Loss

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.  About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"  The man says, "Yes."  "How close did you get before she answered?"  "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"

Really?

Some people apparently believe that ...

•             You can't use an AM radio after noon.

•             A quarterback is a refund.

•             General Motors is in the army.

•             Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Senior Ramblings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Left Behind

A tour bus driver accidentally left a passenger behind after they had stopped for lunch. Wanting to apologize, the driver called the passenger on the phone. "I don't blame you," the woman told him, "but I'm mad at my husband for not informing you that I wasn't on the bus."

Things to do in an Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Appropriate Business Name

A man took his suit in to be altered. The shop sign said, "One Day Tailors." He went back the next day and was told it would be ready in 14 days. "But, it says one day tailors!" demanded the customer. "Yes, it is," came the reply. "You drop your suit off and it will be ready one day!"

Today’s Thought

We should all swap problems; everyone seems to know how to solve the other guy's.

Friday's Funnies

Father’s Day

Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

Most Obedient

The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?” he inquired. There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: “You play with it Daddy!”

Things That Hallmark Cards Don’t Say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What WAS I thinking?"

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Good Question

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." She thought about that for a moment and asked, "How come He doesn't do it?"

Lost in Translation

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

Which One?

Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one. Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

Doggone

They say a dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away. But that seems pretty far-fetched.

Dog Tired

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

A Child's Wisdom

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry thought about that for a second and then asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Today’s Thought

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Friday's Funnies

Worries

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Children's Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns

• Give us this day our deli bread!
• We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
• Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
• He carrots for you.
• Bringing in the sheets.
• Yield not to Penn Station.
• Dust around the throne.
• Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, here we go!
• While shepherds washed their socks by night
• He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

Remembering

I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked. "Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied. "Don't you mean hysterical?" "No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?"

The Trick

Little Billy:  "Wow, Grandma, I'm really glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."
Grandma:  "Oh? What trick is that?"
Little Billy:  "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Parting Thought

The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

True Quotes About Science from Kids

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.  “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”  “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.   There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”

Today’s Thought

To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more than human, it's downright natural.