Friday's Funnies

Toilet Name

A man decided to call his toilet the Jim instead of the John.  He said it sounds better when he tells people he goes to the Jim everyday.

School Best Sellers

Walking To School The First Day Back
by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me
by I. Rhoda Bike

Can't See The Chalkboard
by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School
by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School
by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School
by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends?
by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School
by I. M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?
by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School
by U. Will Gettitt

Remembering Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for the birthdays and anniversaries of a number of my friends and relatives, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.  "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.  "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

One-month Vacation

WIFE: "Honey, the doctor has advised me to take a one-month vacation at some pleasant place like Switzerland or France. Where shall we go?"  HUSBAND: "To another doctor!"

Retirement

Now that I am getting older, I have done my research on retirement. I have found that the average cost for a nursing home is $300.00 per day. I decided that there must be a better way to deal with getting old and feeble yet having my needs met. This is my recommendation:

I have found that I can get a nice room at the local Holiday Inn for $99.00 per day. That leaves $201.00 a day for food (brought directly to you by room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. This cost includes use of a swimming pool, a lounge, a washer and dryer, and a business center with computers and a copy machine plus a free continental breakfast. They provide free shampoo and soap along with toothbrushes, toothpaste, and razors as required. I will have daily maid service and a free USA Today Monday through Friday. When I do decide to eat in the restaurant, I see different people every day, not the same old fogies that I would see in the dining room of a nursing home. If I join their frequent travelers “Priority Club,” I will soon accumulate enough points to get a DVD player or a free trip to Hawaii.

There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but that’s okay because most of the time it takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn has a handicapped equipped bus (if you fake a good enough limp), access to a church bus, cabs, and even the regular bus. Occasionally, for a change for lunch or dinner, I can take the airport bus and eat in one of the restaurants there.

Holiday Inn has security at night and if someone sees you fall, they will call an ambulance that should arrive promptly in five to seven minutes, quicker than the time it would take to get medical help to you in a nursing home. They have 24/7 visiting hours. As a bonus, they offer senior discounts. What more can you ask for?

My conclusion: When I reach those golden retirement years, please help me keep my grin. Just pack my bags and drop me off at our local Holiday Inn.

Garbage collector

Guy 1: "Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

Guy 2: "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector."

Guy 1: "That's a rather strange ambition, isn't it?"

Guy 2: "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays."

Golf

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.  "Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.  "No," replied the man. "It's my ball!"

Today’s Thought

I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!

Friday's Funnies

Happy Valentine’s Day

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Sherwood

Sherwood who?

Sherwood like to be your valentine!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A hog and kisses!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

Why do valentines have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Notice

I was working at a gas station and decided to quit, so I gave the boss a two-week notice. I said, "Yo, boss. In two weeks you'll notice that I haven't been here for two weeks."

Praying for Peas

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal.  One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.  Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey!

My peas are still here!"

Puns: The Tates

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our organization?

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything, while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, IRRI TATE.

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand.

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.

(Terrible) Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day

10. The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?

9. I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.

8. The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.

7. I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!

6. I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you?

5. I didn't know you liked jewelry.

4. I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy day.

3. Your mailman must have been shot in a post office massacre.

2. I thought we would do something different this year.

1. You didn't remind me.

Preacher and Cab Driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."  The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"  The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."  The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Today’s Thought

ESP is real...I read about it in tomorrow's paper.

Friday's Funnies

Happy Birthday Texts for a 16 Year Old

1.            Hpy 16th Bday! Dnt Txt N Drv!

2.            Congrats! You're Driving! Now Put Down the Phone!

3.            U Put the Sweet in Sweet 16!

4.            16 X's and 16 O's! <3 o:p="">

5.            Yay! I have another chauffeur!

6.            This text is your present! Ha ha!

Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”  The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.  After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’” 

Higher Education

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.  Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.  "Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."  "Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."  The dog says, "Meow!"

Puns

-         I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary. We gave him castor oil for a week but never got a word out of him.

-         The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

-         The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The Library

A guy goes into a library and says to the librarian, "I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger."  The librarian, exasperated, replies, "Sir, do you have any idea where you are at?"   He looks around ... "Oh, excuse me!"  Then whispers, "I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger."

Definition of Old

·         I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth, I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

·         An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

·         My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

·         Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

·         It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Hand it to me

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate.  "Are you crazy?" complained the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!"  "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

-         If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

-         We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

-         Newsletters are not being mailed to absentees because of their weight.

-         Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

-         Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Groaner

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day and were attacked and eaten by a Mama Bear and a Papa Bear. The two bears were finally found and shot. They took both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in the male.

The Request

A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him. The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his wish was materialistic, would take too many natural resources and was far, far too difficult. God said the man should think of another wish. The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and yet says nothing is wrong. The Lord considered that for a moment, then replied, "On that bridge, do you want two lanes or four lanes?"

Today’s Thought

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.