Stop Sign
Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign.
I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English
teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he
said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
Golf
One day four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos
and khakis and went to a golf course.
After several horrible shots, their caddy asked, "Are you guys
priests?" "Actually, yes,"
one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such
clean language."
Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam
Q-1: In which battle did Napoleon die? A: His last battle
Q-2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At
the bottom of the page
Q-3: River Ravi flows in which state? A: Liquid
Q-4: What is the main reason for divorce? A: Marriage
Q-5: What is the main reason for failure? A: Exams
Q-6: What can you never eat for breakfast? A: Lunch &
dinner
Q-7: What looks like half an apple? A: The other half
Q-8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it
become? A: Wet
Q-9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A: He
sleeps at night.
Q-10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A: You
will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q-11: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Tripping
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he
laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Tattoo
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service,
he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and
my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful
arms. Curiosity finally got the better
off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you
paper to write on?"
Lost Engine
The airplane's pilot came on the PA to make an announcement
to the passengers: "This is your captain speaking. We have lost one engine and we will be 20
minutes late landing." A bit later:
"This is your captain speaking again.
We have lost another engine and we will be 40 minutes late landing." A bit later still - and in a somewhat
agitated voice: "This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be an
hour late landing." One passenger
said to another passenger, "I hope we don't lose the last engine or we'll
be up here all night."
Niagara Falls
A guide is showing a Texan the Niagara Falls. "I'll bet
you don't have anything like that in Texas!" "Nope, I reckon we don't," said the
Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."
Talk To The Father
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't
live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my
permission to marry her?" "No," the young man replied, "I'm
asking you to make her leave me alone."
Senior Road Trip!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been
driving for about 40 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around to return
to the restaurant to get her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his
wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her,
the more agitated he became. To her relief, they finally arrived at the
restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to get her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might
as well get my hat and the credit card."
Contagious
A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked
him to come by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu. The
pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another church down
the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking your pastor,
Brother Simon, to come by to pray with your mom?" "Yeah," the young boy replied,
"but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is
that Mom has."
Touching
Donna frequently serves as a wedding organist. She loves to
tell a story about a wedding in which she and her husband were participating,
with her playing the organ and him singing. During rehearsal the audio man at
the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They
didn't have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the
hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched
Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking
very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before.
The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Today’s Thought
How come, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the
bubbles are always white?
