Friday's Funnies

Geraniums

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Picasso

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau.  The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.  On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The Email Virus

Computer professionals are warning about a new email virus that seems especially to plague individuals born prior to 1955. Here are the symptoms:

1.    Causes you to send the same email twice.

2.    Causes you to send a blank email.

3.    Causes you to send an email to the wrong person.

4.    Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5.    Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6.    Causes you to hit "Send" before you've finished.

7.    Causes you to hit "Delete" instead of "Send."

8.    Causes you to hit "Send" when you should "Delete."

Experts call it the "C-Nile Virus." And they've found no cure. Now, have I sent this to you before? Or did you just send it to me?

Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

Self-Conscious

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.

Computer Acronyms

For those computer literate souls out there:

·         ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

·         SCSI - System Can't See It

·         DOS - Defective Operating System

·         IBM - I Blame Microsoft

·         CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

·         OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

·         WWW - World Wide Wait

·         MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

·         PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

·         COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

·         WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

·         MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Fun Answering Machine Messages

1.    "Hi." Now you say something.

2.    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

3.    Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone at the moment. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

4.    I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

5.    Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

6.    This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

7.    You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

8.    Roses are red, violets are cheap; leave your message after the beep.

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.  "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"  "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."  "You sell them here?" the customer asks.  "Only $4 apiece," says Green.  The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.  "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.  "Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"  "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Today’s Thought

Did it ever occur to you that tether ball is really just a cat toy for people?

Friday's Funnies

Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?

Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

4. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

5. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."  A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

Did you know…?

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

One Solution

My daughter couldn't muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick." "If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it?" "Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."

Attractive

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question intended as a followup on the previous day's lesson: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

Top 9 Signs You’re At A Bad Baptism Service

9. The Coast Guard is involved.

8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

7. Pastor wears scuba gear.

6. As the baptism begins, the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

Natural Selection of M&M'S

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.  Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.  When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. Send it along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."  This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.  There can be only one.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

Today’s Thought

One reason it's so hard to save money is that our neighbors are always buying something we can't afford.

Friday's Funnies

Fast Food

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."  The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Fun Voicemail Messages

~ Hi. Now you say something.

~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

~ Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

~ I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

~ Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Travel Plans to consider...

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.  I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.  I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often these days.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!  I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Mother's Dictionary

• Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too.
• Defense: What you'd better have aroun' de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
• Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
• Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
• Look Out!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
• Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
• Prepared Childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
• Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
• Temper Tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
• Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
• Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
• Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
• Verbal: Able to whine in words.
• Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Friday's Funnies

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (backwash).
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person — period!
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"
#1 thing that moms REALLY want is..... More loving, quality time with the kids she wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Real Mothers...

• Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
• Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
• Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
• Real Mothers know that dried Play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
• Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
• Real Mothers sometimes ask, "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "Because I love you best."
• Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

Shopping Plan

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child: "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

Hamster Care

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.  One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"  After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Love Campaign

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.  He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.  Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

Preacher's Best Years

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.  Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"  The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.  Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"  The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.  After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Camp System

A loaded minivan pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.  The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.  A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."  The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Measurements

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.  Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.  The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."  While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.   When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Today’s Thought

If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

Friday's Funnies

Problem Solved

Last year I entered the Cal State marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied: "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

The Wedding Singers

Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her playing the organ and him singing. During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He said he had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."

The Blind

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind." Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table. "Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Light Bulb

Q: How many members of the President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?

A: Nine

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of the President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the President was literally in the dark,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

Five Real-Life Dimwits

·         AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

·         Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

·         An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

·         A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

·         Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

OXYMORONS

(contradictory words)

Almost exactly          

Alone together

Awful good

Clearly misunderstood  

Definite maybe         

Dodge Ram

Exact estimate         

Extinct life

Found missing    

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Jumbo shrimp

Large minority

Living dead

Near miss

New classic            

Now, then...

Passive aggression     

Plastic glasses        

Plastic silverware

Pretty ugly             

Random order

Same difference

Silent scream

Taped live

Terribly pleased

Tight slacks

Virtual reality

Wicked good

Working vacation