Friday's Funnies

X-ray

A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist.  The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure, and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility.  When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm and all smiles. "They just took a picture of my bones," she explained to her mother.  "Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?"  "Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even have to take my skin off or anything!"

You're ABCDEFGHIJK

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."  She asked, "What does that mean?"  He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."  She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"  He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

10 Sings you may not be reading your Bible enough

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Hope Springs Eternal

A man happened to drive by a little league game one day, and, being a baseball fan, decided to stop and watch for a while. He found a seat on the bleachers behind the fence, and asked one of the boys on the bench what the score was. "We're behind 24 to nothing," the boy answered with a smile. "Really," the man said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Why should we be discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "We haven't been up to bat yet."

Higher Learnin'

Dad #1:  "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."
Dad #2:  "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

The Disclaimer

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

At the Pearly Gates

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Moo Ya wk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?" "Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

Better Grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look, miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"  "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Today’s Thought

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Friday's Funnies

Foreign Language

A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them.  Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly, "BARK" at which point the cat ran off.  "There, you see" said the mother mouse to her baby, "That is why learning a foreign language is so important!"

Trust?

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.  Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"  The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

Witness

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed…  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again!"

At The Vet

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

Times have changed

You drive into the gas station...

1955 - four guys run out to your car - you sit back and smile

Today - four guys run out to your car - you scream and pull away as quickly as you can

De-moted

If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Still Waiting

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.  Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.  No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.  He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

Puns and Such

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  (Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.  (Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?  (Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?

A: A church bell peals from the steeple.

(Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."  (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

(BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.  (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

Today’s Thought

Dear vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?

Friday's Funnies

Me? Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?

Soup Du Jour

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

Crossing the Street

A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him, "Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"

CHURCH SERVICE of THE FUTURE

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"Please log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

"Please use your iPad to make your electronic fund transfers directly to the church account.  Or if you prefer, the ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the pews. If you forgot to bring an electronic device, you are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account."

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements: "This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a nice day. 

Outdoors man?

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.  The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.  "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I ran away from a mad mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I went home and went right to bed."   Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be quite an outdoors man!"  "No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

Truck Stop

The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.   He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."  The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"  

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."  "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"  She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A-POLITICAL APHORISMS

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita 

Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more  tunnel. ~ John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

Friday's Funnies

Why I Like Retirement?

How many days in a week?

6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

When is a retiree's bedtime?

3 hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

It comes with a 10% discount!

Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Tied shoes.

How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take all day.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

NUTS!

What do retirees call a long lunch?

Normal.

What is the best way to describe retirement?

The never-ending coffee break.

Why do retirees count pennies?

They're the only ones who have the time!

Proud Dad

Dad #1: "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."

Dad #2: "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

Peach Brandy

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.  It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.  He told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.  Sunday morning, the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, "I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

iPad

This afternoon my son was playing on his iPad. He asked his brother to help him with one of the apps.  Handing the iPad to his brother, he asked, "Why did you take the case off your iPad?"  Innocently, he responded, "Because the app said it was 'case sensitive'!"

Knight Riddle

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

A: Sir Render.

Soup

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.  "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"  "It's bean soup," she replied.  "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

New Technology

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me was: "Whereisthespacebar?"

Today’s Thought

Laughter is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.