Friday's Funnies

Women in a Gym

New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.  So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."  After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."

Binary joke

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't get this joke.

Where's Mommy?

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?"  In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."  This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.  "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."  He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.  Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!  What is it really?"

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.

We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

Winter Classes for Men at the “Learning Center for Adults”

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?  Round Table Discussion.  Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?  Group Practice.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4  - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.  Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.  Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 - After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?  Examples on Video.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 - Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.  Help Line Support and Support Groups.  Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places & Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.  Open Forum .  Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 - Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.  Graphics and Audio Tapes.   Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.  Real Life Testimonials.  Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10  - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?  Driving Simulations.  4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 - Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.  Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.  Relaxation Exercises, Prayer and Breathing Techniques.  Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates & Calling When You're Going To Be Late.  Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.  Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 - The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.  Live Demonstration.  Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Today’s Thought

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

Friday's Funnies

The Gift of Music

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Capturing the Essence

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Murphy's Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
3. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
4. A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
5. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
6. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
7. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
8. If the shoe fits . . . it's expensive.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Silly Bird Riddles

What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?

A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?

In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?

Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?

He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A great walkie-talkie.

Where Do Babies Come From?

On the way back from a cub scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?"  After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Demons

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff.  That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Real Estate

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points.  To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.  The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."  "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

"Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Today’s Thoughts

Before you marry a person you should make them use an old computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

Friday's Funnies

Reflections on Aging

~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

~ Long ago when old men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

The Painter

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."  Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something, he asked, "What's the matter? Did you forget something?"  "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

What Would Look Sillier?

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.  "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.  "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."  "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

At the Zoo

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... " "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. " ... what bus should I take home?"

The Swindle

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper. Where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

Confidence

A confident little boy was practicing baseball. He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed. He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again. Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again. He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

But The Sign Said....

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

The Meeting In The Air

A man finally summons the courage to go sky diving for the very first time. The preparation and plane flight go smoothly, but immediately after jumping from the plane, he is unable to get his parachute to deploy. As he hurtles towards the earth, he is shocked to see a man rocketing upwards toward him. As they pass in the air, the skydiver yells, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The second man responds, "No. Do you know anything about gas grills?"

Weight A Spell

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...

10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch" on it.

9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.

8. You have to pedal it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"

6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.

5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

4. You catch a virus from it.

3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"

2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.

1. It cyber-snickers at you.

Today’s Thought

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.