Friday's Funnies

Off Limits

Like so many of us who have bought home exercise equipment, my purchases remained unused. My folly became painfully apparent when my young daughter was giving her friend a tour of the house. "There's Mommy's exercise equipment," Elyse said. "Nobody's allowed to touch it." And then she paused to show the seriousness of her statement. "Not even Mommy!"

Work Phones

When he saw how astronomically high his latest phone bill was, the head of the house called a family meeting. "This is unacceptable," said the father. "You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use this phone, I always use the one at the office." The mother said: "Same here, I hardly ever use the home phone, because I use my work phone." The son said: "Me, too. I never use the home phone. I always use the company's mobile." "So what is the problem?" asked the housekeeper. "We all use our work telephones."

Giving

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful about giving the quarter, so I did."

Life's A Picnic

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Which Sermon?

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

The Difference

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Thinking This Through...

I am full-figured, and when I dine in restaurants, I often find the chairs too small and uncomfortable. The last time I ate out I filled in a comment card, saying that while the food and service were wonderful, the chairs did not accommodate anyone over a size 14. Several weeks later I received a note of apology — and a coupon for a free dessert.

Amphibious Invasion

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

Teen Logic

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day." "I don't know, son. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They're not cheap either." "I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What!? You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Long flight

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation. "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”. "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Old friends

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship. One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"

Best in the land

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. "We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States." "I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

Yikes!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading ‘The three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh no, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!