Friday's Funnies

2012-01-27T10:24:00.001-08:00

Facebook

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this becausewhen I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first oneto click Like.

Foreman

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked,"Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is alwaysstanding around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. Peoplestarted thinking I was the foreman."

Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete withtool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm thepiano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a pianotuner." The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Test Questions and Self-Evident Answers

1. In which battle did Napoleon die? His lastone.

2. Where was the Declaration of Independencesigned? At the bottom of the page.

3. River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid.

4. What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.

5. What is the main reason for failure? Exams.

6. What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunchand dinner.

7. What looks like half an apple? The otherhalf.

8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea whatit will become? Wet.

9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? Noproblem, he sleeps at night.

10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? Youwill never find an elephant that has only one hand.

11. If you had three apples and four oranges in onehand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Verylarge hands.

12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall isalready built.

13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floorwithout cracking it? Any way you want; concrete floors are very hard tocrack.

The Shopper

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reportingit. The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

The Doctor

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The mancouldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen,your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Drunk

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,"You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says"Okay, let's get started."

School play

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has apart in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boysays, "I play the part of the husband." "The mother scowlsand says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on aparrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kepton bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrotwas his at last! As he was paying forthe parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. Iwould hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He cantalk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Test results

Bob and Joe sat next to each other taking a test. When theyfinished, the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, “Boys,I will have to give both of you a zero on this test.” “W-why?” they wanted to know, though Joe wasshifting uncomfortably. She said, “Youranswers were too nearly alike. One of you cheated and the other one let him doit.” “What makes you think we cheated?”Bob asked. “That could have been a coincidence.” The teacher said, “I might have believed thatif it wasn’t for the fact that when you came to question #10, Bob wrote in ’Idon’t know’ for the answer, and you, Joe, put ’Me neither’!”

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that themedication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before thesenior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my conditionbecause this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

Movie commotion

We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seatas I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature wasabout to start, a person from the center of the row got up and started workingtheir way across. “Excuse me, sorry,oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time the person got to me I was tryingto see the screen and I was a little impatient so I said, “Couldn’t you havedone this a little earlier?” “No!!” wasthe loud whisper, “The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed upon the screen and mine is out in the car.”

Thought

No sense being pessimistic; it probably won't workanyway.

Friday's Funnies

2012-01-20T03:13:00.001-08:00

Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.“What’s the matter, son?” asked his mother. “Mom,” said the boy, “it’s my grades. They’re all wet.” “What do you mean ’all wet?’” asked hismother. “You know,” he replied, “belowC-level.”

Reasons for divorce

A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says “I want a divorce.”

The lawyer says, “Do you have grounds?”

“Oh yes,” she said, “We have about 4 acres and a longdriveway”.

“No, no, you have misunderstood me. I mean do you have agrudge?”

She said “No it’s not a grudge, we have a carport.”

He said “No that’s not what I meant. Let me put it anotherway. Why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh that’s easy. It’s my husband. He can’t hold a sensibleconversation!”

Picnic

On Monday the minister's little daughter was very naughty,so her mother told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday. For the next few days the girl's behaved sonicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic afterall. Surprisingly, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter?" asked hermother. "I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." "It's too late," said the littlegirl. "I've already prayed for rain!"

God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé to visit her parents. Aftera nice dinner, the father invited the fiancé to the library for a talk. "So what are your plans?" he askedthe young man. "I am a seminarystudent," he replied. "Aseminary student. Hmmm," said the father. "Admirable, but how willyou provide a home for my daughter?" "I will study," the young man said,"and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her an engagementring, such as she deserves?" "Iwill focus on my studies and God will provide for us." "And how will you support yourchildren?" "Don't worry, sir.God will provide." The conversationcontinued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insistedthat God would provide. Later, when themother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, "Well, he hasno job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I'm God!"

Joke

At a recent concert, Scott Fowler of Legacy Five was giving Scott Howard griefover his socks. Howard said, "They're golf socks." Fowler scoffed,"Golf socks? They're just threadbare." Howard explained: "Theyhave a hole-in-one!"

School Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around theupper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he foundhimself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently intothe rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busiedhimself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, and with thestudents watching, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Oops

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control.It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, anything, what isit?" He said, "Hurry up andtake your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATYTHINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILLHAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULDDEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILLHIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM ITALL?"

10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATINGAN ENDANGERED PLANT?

11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAIDSOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS ORNAKED?

15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THERIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANKMACHINES?

18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSEYELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUTOTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWNTOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BEHUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S'IN IT?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT ATTHEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

Thwarted

"I childproofed my house. But they still get in."

Friday's Funnies

2012-01-13T06:04:00.001-08:00

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

~ You can type sixty words a minute...with your feet.

~ Instant coffee takes too long.

~ You chew on other people's fingernails.

~ You answer the door...before people knock.

~ You sleep with your eyes open.

~ You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell thecoffee.

~ You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~ You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and youdon't even work there.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

~ You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

~ You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffeemug!

Left handed

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with hisgrandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to thepark on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything wasbeautiful. His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know Godpainted this just for you?" Bobbysaid, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and sheasked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "welearned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

8 Dimwits

1. Policein Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after hetried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man inJohannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriouslywounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. TheChico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a$500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

4. A buscarrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time policearrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun tocomplain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

5. Swedishbusiness consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedisheconomic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to haveit reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused thecopier with the shredder.

6. Aconvict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a few days later accompaniedhis girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.She needed to see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized hisname and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolenover the lunch hour.

7. When twoservice station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash toan intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They stillrefused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

8. A LosAngeles man, who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5-mph chase until an officer stepped aboard andbrought the vehicle to a stop.

Men vs Women

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, theywill call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they willaffectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John willeach throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will haveanything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocketcalculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn'tneed but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrushand toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman'sbathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of theseitems.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning ofa new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets ahusband.

* A man never worries about the future until he getsa wife.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change,but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won'tchange, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water theplants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about herchildren. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people livingin the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use intwo people remembering the same thing!

Friday's Funnies

2012-01-06T04:23:00.001-08:00

New Year resolution

2009: I will go to church every Sunday.

2010: I will go to church as often as possible.

2011: I will set aside time each day for prayer andmeditation.

2012: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

2006: I will get my weight down below 180.

2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I getbelow 200.

2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about myweight.

2010: I will work out 5 days a week.

2011: I will work out 3 days a week.

2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

15 EXERCISES WE'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN2012...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Too Late

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn'tfind one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do theseturkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they'redead."

Easy Choice

It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?"the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are mychoices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

Too Honest

A woman is standing looking in the full-length bedroom mirror. She is not happywith what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible! I look old,fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husbandreplies, "Your eyesight's near perfect!" The husband is now hoping tobe discharged from the hospital as soon as next week.

Wealth

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was verygrieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able totake it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to takesome of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, butyou can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if Hemight bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him totake one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase andfills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates ofHeaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, youcan't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and askshim to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes backsaying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposedto check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items thatthe man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You broughtpavement?!?!"

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so Ijoined a support group. We never meet.

After the holidays

Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' byover-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so theirdoctor put them on the same diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, eat regularlyfor another two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks. The next timeI see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly25 pounds each.

"Why, that's positively amazing!" the doctor said. "Did youfollow my instructions exactly?"

Ole and Sven nodded and said, "We vant to tell you though, we taut we wasgonna drop dead dat third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, yust from all dat skippin!"

Friday's Funnies

2011-12-30T03:46:00.001-08:00

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I weretalking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?" "Well, what do you think?" I askedhim. He replied, "Well, myPlaystation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind ofwrapping paper." He thought for aminute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying mepresents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Several thousand years ago...

Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calendar!"
Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 12/21/2012"
Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new one beforethen. I would have continued on on this stone but I ran out of room."
Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought that theworld was gonna end because you couldn't find a bigger stone."
Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to think thatwouldn't you?"

Healthone-liners

Everyone thinks I’m a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

I have metal filling in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keeppulling me into the kitchen and that’s why I can’t lose weight.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital? Answer: The ultrasound people.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabeticalorder as they should be.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

You should consult my doctor, you won’t live to regret it.

I’ve bought a bottle of sleeping tablets, on the label was:WARNING – may cause drowsiness.

50th Wedding Anniversary

Ontheir 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their longand happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish.After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said,"For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

The Difference

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked,"What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?"A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Recently Seen Bumper Stickers

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
No sense being pessimistic; it wouldn't work anyway.
Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I'm so far behind, I think I'm ahead.

Living will

A man and his wife weresitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”. “Just so you know, I never want to live in avegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If thatever happens, just pull the plug.” Hiswife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the soda.

Mother-in-Law Suite

Sally, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for ahouse she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could beaccessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describingthis feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-lawsuite comes with an electric chair."

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun bysquirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hallbrought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got ridof the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped thesquirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrelsclimbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effectivesolution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see themonly on Christmas and Easter.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how theydetermine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offera teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to emptythe bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "Anormal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or theteacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person wouldpull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

"L" Train

One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my subway, the"L" train. A sign on the platform declared that the line was notrunning, but there was bus service above-ground. I was rushing back up thestairs when I passed two women descending. "No 'L,'" I gasped as Iran by. "And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out,continuing down the stairs.

Friday's Funnies

2011-12-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

Shopping

A married couplehad been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wiferealized that her husband had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded:"Where did you go???" Thehusband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where yousaw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't havemoney that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?" Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes,I remember that, my love." "Well,I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Tradition

Decemberis the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Someinsist on a shirt, others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in atie.

The Gift

Three-year-oldJosie was helping wrap a present for her father. While they were wrapping, hermother kept reminding her daughter about keeping the present a secret so itwould be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, she proudly put it underthe tree. When her father came home he saw the present immediately. He askedthe little girl, "What is it?" "I can't tell," she saidproudly, with a look towards Mom. "It's a surprise." "Can Ishake it and guess what's inside?" asked Dad. "No," she replied,"shirts don't rattle."

The Diplomat

Whileworking as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "Ifyou get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brotherDallas is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usualanswer was a quick yes. But after I asked Damon this question, he became veryquiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would likeSanta to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

Thank you

One Christmas, aparent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of theirthank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receiveacknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. However, things were different the followingyear. "The children came over inperson to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friendexclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmotherreplied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Swedish Extraction

My 5-year-old daughterwas helping set the table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a momentand announced, "Jesus was a Swede." More than a little surprised, Icorrected her, "Oh, no, dear, Jesus was born Jewish. I'll read it to youfrom the Bible after lunch." Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Thenher face brightened. "Mommy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in Sundayschool this morning." Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, nocrib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."

Shopping Early

Itwas Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shoppingearly," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said thejudge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before thestore opened," said the prisoner.

RememberThis At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while bothmale and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeerdrop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November tomid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birthin the spring. Therefore, according toEVERY historical rendition depicting Santa 's reindeer, EVERY single one ofthem, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLYwomen would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all aroundthe world in one night and not get lost.

Gift Exchange

My friendreviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas,we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

A Dieter'sChristmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips wereFannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that mythighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settleddown to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from mybed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, tore open the icebox thenthrew up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of abinge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santawith eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick, I knew in a secondthat I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyestightly but still I could hear:

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watchersdropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash awaypounds, now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, my clotheswere all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when Ilaughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, ate all of thecandy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn, I gave a quick nod towardthe bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry: If temptation's removed,I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morningI'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Friday's Funnies

2011-12-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes thatwould've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire seasonthough. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness ProtectionProgram.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all mygifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,"And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed andhorrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my e-mail??!!"

SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS

~ Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

~ Outside a church: "The original ChristmasClub."

~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.Come in and mangle with the crowd."

~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days untilChristmas."

~ In a stationery store: "For the man who haseverything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Prayingloudly

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents theweek before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to saytheir prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FORTHE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother andsaid, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandmais!"

Pregnancy Q &A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A:No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A:With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A:Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderlineirrational. A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not painI'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an aircurrent.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is inlabor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normalagain?
A: When the kids are in college.

10WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:"How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Mind Over Matter

My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.

Friday's Funnies

2011-12-09T06:26:00.001-08:00

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolphthe Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes"There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid andDonner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so thatmakes nine. Then there's Olive. Youknow, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "ThenHowe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andyshouted out with glee." The proofis in the song!

Cheap

Tom went out shopping for a Christmas present for his wife. "How about some perfume?" he askedthe cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, soshe returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tomgroused. Growing disgusted, the clerkbrought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grewagitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see somethingreal cheap." So the clerk handedhim a mirror.

The Painting

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. Itwas Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said,"Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile ofstraw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor,and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then howcould they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensiveartist?"

Exercise one-liners

- Did my morning exercise up 1,2,3, down 1,2,3 – thenwith my other eyelid.

- Being part of the human race does not count asexercise.

- Hey, I’m still maintaining last year’s New Year’sresolution of one sit-up per day – getting out of bed.

- Been asked to run the London Marathon for charity butI’ve had to decline as I’ve no experience of organizing something that big.

- I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Evenscientists need a good laugh now and then.

- The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have putthem on my knees.

- I have signed up with a personal trainer to get readyfor swimsuit season. Need to work on my leering.

- I’ve been carbo-loading for the last 40 years in case Iever need to go on a 10,000 mile run.

- I’m on a strict running program. I started yesterday.I’ve only missed one day so far.

- People who write diet books live off the fat of theland.

- I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up weirdways to avoid physical exercise.

- I’ve just spent an hour in a stationary car and amworking my way up to a stationary bike.

Timothy's Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a newperspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men fromthe East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardlywait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learnedall about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a SantaClaus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver allthe toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’tthere yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their wayaround!”

Marketing terminology

You see agorgeous girl at a party.

You go upto her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’sDirect Marketing.

You’re at aparty with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of yourfriends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

“He’s veryrich. Marry him.”

That’sAdvertising.

You see agorgeous girl at a party.

You go upto her and get her telephone number.

The nextday you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

That’sTelemarketing.

You’re at aparty and see a gorgeous girl.

You get upand straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.

You openthe door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, andthen say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’sPublic Relations.

You’re at aparty and see a gorgeous girl.

She walksup to you and says, “You are very rich.”

That’sBrand Recognition.

You see agorgeous girl at a party.

You go upto her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.”

She givesyou a nice hard slap on your face.

That’sCustomer Feedback!

You’re Next

A young bachelor got tired of old aunts telling him atevery wedding, "You're next." The aunts stopped it after theyoung man started nudging the old ladies at every funeral, winking and saying,"You're next."

Friday's Funnies

2011-12-02T04:33:00.001-08:00

Lessons we can learn from a snowman

- Wearing white is always in style – even after LaborDay.

- Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.

- It’s fun just to hang out in your front yard.

- We’re all made up of mostly water.

- Accessories don’t have to be expensive.

- Don’t get too much sun!

- If you’re a little bottom heavy – hey, that’s okay!

- You know you’ve made it when they write a song aboutyou.

- If you look down and can’t see your feet – you’reprobably not very active.

- Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrousresults.

Bush

George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said,"Hey, aren't you Moses?" Moses said nothing just kept on shopping. A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, andsaid "Hey, aren't you Moses?" AgainMoses said nothing. A few aisles overagain George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!" This time Moses replied, "Hey, the lasttime I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"

20 Adult Truths.......OH, how true!

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutivetimes and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argumentwhen you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure Iknow how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the persondied.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work whenyou know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest ofthe day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't wantto have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if Iwant to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did notmake any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answerwhen they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom andhunger.

17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you justnod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word theysaid?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up toprevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers andsisters!

19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, andyou can wear them forever.

20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys ina pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - butI'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Advice

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted anattractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use toimpress that lady over there?” Thetrainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

K-9 mail

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to theother, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He trots across the street, sniffs at a firehydrant for about a minute, then comes back. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, justchecking my messages."

Oops

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friendswanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and theowner read the card, "Rest in peace." The owner was frustrated andcalled the florist to complain. Afterhe had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how frustrated he was, theflorist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather thangetting frustrated, you should imagine this - somewhere there is a funeraltaking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulationson your new location.'"

More Than Meets The Eye

I canceled camouflage training because no one turned up... Oh, wait a minute...

Friday's Funnies

2011-11-25T02:43:00.001-08:00

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out ofthe recliner.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morningjog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening onlyyielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all thefootball games.

~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steeringwheel burn.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame calledtwice.

~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last untilChristmas.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard &delete this.

Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve inthe Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses theBrit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchmandisagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they areFrench." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out."They have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.They are Russian."

How You Know It's Time to Buy a New Car

~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.

~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view ofthe road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on newcars.

~ Your engine smokes so much the local health departmentrecently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.

~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comesoff.

~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money bypurchasing your own tow truck.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on amoped.

~ Your mechanic keeps asking, "Can I re-duct-tapethat windshield for you?"

~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking ifanyone was hurt.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by namewhen discussing morning traffic jams.

~ It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion tapedto your steering wheel.

~ Your gas gauge measures in minas.

Flight Delay

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay justbefore they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles offyour luggage is broken, so we are having to do it by hand. We should befinished and on our way shortly."

Driving Advice

A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: "Put a$100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

Did Noah Fish?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you thinkNoah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "Howcould he, with just two worms.

Unanswered Prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her fatheralways paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. Oneday, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that hisdaughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help mepreach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" sheasked.

Being Thankful

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So yourmother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What doesshe say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Say a Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner athis Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food wasbeing served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating rightaway. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother."I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "hismother insisted. "We always say aprayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house."Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Retirement money

I’m planning to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll dothe second day, I have no idea.

Ah, that makes sense...

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep andtoo much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tiredbecause I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and CityGovernments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time thereare 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, thereare 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Friday's Funnies

2011-11-18T00:18:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving math

Q:What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by itsdiameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

12 Reasons to Be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

Salmonella won't be a concern.
Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
No one will overeat.
The smoke alarm was due for a test.
Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Exercisein Preparation for Thanksgiving

Begin by standing on a comfortablesurface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack ineach hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there aslong as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'llfind that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple ofweeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and theneventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each handand hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feelconfident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

UnitedStates in RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," youcall them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children'snames.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Hello?

A guywalks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirtwhen the phone rang and (hold iron to ear … shhh!) I accidentally answered theiron.” The boss says, “Well, thatexplains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” He says, “Well, then I had to call thedoctor!”

My dad is better than...

Threeboys were talking together about what their father’s did for a living.

Boy 1began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece of paper, sent themaway and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.

Boy2, not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent themaway and received £100 and they called it a story.

Boy 3was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words,read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to goround and collect all the money.

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a holein the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour,without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in theice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes laterhe hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalkedit up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in anotherlarge catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old mancouldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour withouteven a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozenfish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rumsrrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boyresponded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," saidthe old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spitthe contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep theworms warm!"

Time Is Relative

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only ayear to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the manexplained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do."What you should do is go out and buy a late 70s or early 80s model Dodgepickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest womanyou can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house out in the stickssomewhere. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?""No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do haveseem like forever."

Age & Wisdom

"People may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are alwaysa great deal older."

Health & SafetyTest

I failed a Health and Safetycourse at work today. One of the questions was: "In the eventof a fire, what steps would you take?" "Great big ones"was apparently the wrong answer.

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic.It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

Friday's Funnies

2011-11-11T00:18:00.001-08:00

Quiz

Can you answer all seven of the following questions withthe same word? The answer is at the end of Friday’s Funnies.

1. The word has seven letters

2. Preceded God

3. Greater than God

4. More evil than the devil

5. All poor people have it

6. Wealthy people need it

7. If you eat it, you will die

The Golf Pro

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport anda fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Sincethe line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck upa conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudlystated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the questionall golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, butI quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lowerseventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lowerseventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" hequeried admiringly. "Every hole."

Dust to Dust

A little boy asked the parish priest a question.

Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all camefrom dust.”

Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.

Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we diewe go back to dust.”

Parish Priest: “That’s right, I did say that. I am gladyou were listening so very well”.

Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to myplace and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!

Knowing The Score

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "Youhave to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plusnine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay,"my brother said, "let's go."

Comforting words

A man waswheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair,just before his operation. A nursestopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?” He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’tworry. I’m sure it will be all right.’” “Shewas just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?” “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking tothe doctor!”

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which thelatter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequentlyused in a humorous situation."

1. Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to hislevel and beat you with experience.

2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some peopleappear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act inpublic.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is notputting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' andthen proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wantedpaychecks.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need aparachute to skydive twice.

12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someonedown so they can't get away.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and callwhatever you hit the target.

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

16. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

17. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any morethan standing in a garage makes you a car.

18. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even whenyou wish they were.

Answer to earlier quiz:

The word “Nothing”

Friday's Funnies

2011-11-04T01:54:00.000-07:00

Highest Number

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest sonasked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn'tknow. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came theprompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" Hismatter-of-fact reply: "The sermon was over."

Great Place

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met aneighbor who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthyplace?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I firstarrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. Ididn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out ofbed." "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you beenhere?" "I was born here."

The Children of Israel

In Sunday School one morning little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask aquestion that had perplexed him for some time. "Mr. Johnson," saidlittle Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to theBible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?""Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built theTemple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children ofIsrael fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doingsomething important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreedMr. Johnson. "So what's your question, Joey?" "What were all thegrown-ups doing?"

HEALTHMESSAGE

1. Ifwalking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whaleswims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbitruns and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. Atortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And youtell me to exercise?? I don't think so. It's the tortoise life for me!

Rainy DayHanger

One rainyevening, a couple emerged from a restaurant only to find that they had lockedthe keys in the car. The husband insisted he could open the door with a wirecoat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none tobe found. The husband then ran to a department store a few blocks awayand returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and theyboth climbed in. As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hangerunder his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again,I’ll have one.”

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please goshopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes backwith 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons ofmilk?" He replied, "They hadeggs."

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pullingthe stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were upthere than up there wishing you were down here.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keepstalking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out inclouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smoothlanding. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, theexperience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's thelaw. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are thealtitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk. “It’s designed to teach the child how to livein today’s world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put ittogether is wrong.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-10-28T02:00:00.001-07:00

Inner Peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way toachieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished twobags of potato chips, a chocolate pie and a small box of candy. I feel better already.Pass this along to those who need inner peace.

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to bedismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none ofthem worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. Asthe trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial becauseI am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the bluesuit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook!He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on thisjury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jurybox. That man is his lawyer.”

Golf

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill. He tried three times to hit the ball and eachtime he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place. One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going tosurvive, we had better get on the ball."

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIGRUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISITTO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THEGUARD ON DUTY.

5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose vanannounces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Time to get back to the gym?

You know it is time to resume running when…
- You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse toleave the floor.
- Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who mom’sfirst husband was.
- You get winded just saying the words “10 kilometer run”.
- You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toeseach morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
- You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first isyour sense of humor.
- You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you are alone”.

On The Clock

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates."$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't thatawfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,"and what is your third question?"

The Wedding

A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a singledetail. Afterward she asked her mother: "Did the lady change her mind? Shewent up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!"

Think About It
Artificialintelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Shorts

Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There's not a single person in it.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
What do you call a boom-a-rang that doesn't come back? Answer: A stick!

Dilemma

Q. Who is more satisfied a man with a million dollars or a manwith six children?

A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollarswants more.

Friday's Funnies

2011-10-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

Unqualified

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack ofcampaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of moneydoesn't belong in Washington anyway!

Untraveled

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in acourtroom, answering questions from both sides. The prosecutor asked suchquestions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are ateacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English andtheater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar,"the defense attorney quipped. "No" I shot back. "You betterwatch your acting." When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I wasexcused from the case.

If I were a millionaire

“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essaywith the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Philip began towrite furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “What’sthe matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting formy secretary,” he replied.

House Keeping

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scouredthe want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone towatch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "Ican't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

"What's the difference between an optimist and apessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding,"An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guywho created the parachute."

AdvertisingLingo

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Tip?

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called oncustomers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached thescreen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars inthe other, which I assumed was my tip. Tomy dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for theexact cost of the pizza. "Couldthat have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory. "Yep," he replied proudly,"not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

4 Funny Attempts at Speaking English

English is tough to learn, as these attempts from classes inEnglish as a second language prove:

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are beginning to growin me."

"Do you like your coffee cremated?"

"I usually worm up my food before I eat it.

Death

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-oldson ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagulllay dead in the sand. "Daddy, whathappened to him?" the son asked. "Hedied and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him backdown?"

Regular

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at thetable next to ours. "Regular?" She asked her customer. "Yes, thank you." said the man."Due to a steady diet of fruit."

Friday's Funnies

2011-10-07T02:40:00.001-07:00

Love Letters

After being married for fifty years, a wife asked herhusband to describe her. He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B,C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she inquired.He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. But whatabout I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" He will have hismissing teeth replaced as soon as the swelling in his face goes down.

Bottle Blues

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out ofthe bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-olddaughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the childsaid to her mother. Getting an exasperated glance from her mother, the littlegirl told the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to youright now. She's hitting the bottle."

Jurisprudence

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driveragainst claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm."Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smithasked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level,his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith."And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before theaccident?" The man's arm shot above his head.

SIGNS YOUR TRAVEL AGENT HAS MISLED YOU

~ On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse ofthe Golden Gate Bridge.

~ You've driven halfway around New Zealand and have yetto see a single Hobbit.

~ "Alabamastan" ain't really a country inEastern Europe.

~ Sun? Check. Sand? Check. Carrying an M16 while beingshouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.

~ The "Transylvania" tour is nothing but avisit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.

~ It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has theworld's "second" largest ball of twine!

~ As you board the plane, you find the"occupied" sign is up on your "private cabin."

Church offering

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a charityevent was taking place. Getting caught up in the atmosphere, the pig suggestedto the chicken that they each make an offering. “Great idea!” the chicken replied. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs!” “Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that’san offering. For me, it’s a sacrifice.”

Places I'd like to go

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been inCahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no onerecognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friendsand family.

Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shoppingcenter and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever puphad fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wantedto impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Doyou hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearbycar, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look, and said, "Whydon't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up tothe very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?""98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "Soyou're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worthgoing home, is it?”

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told herpreacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, andsecond, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" thepreacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure mydaughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory'snot as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fillout.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as yourcoffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,"For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it asyour inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Funny Cap

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with"WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what theletters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "WhatWould Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rashdecisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'msure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Friday's Funnies

2011-09-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKINGCOST-SAVINGS CUTS

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reportsfor local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling upsurgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound nowconsidered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend requeston their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s

Bumpy flight

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. Asthe passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young womanturned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,“Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?” To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, notmanagement.”

Redeemed

While handing a 25-cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkoutcounter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneaththe scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said,"That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?",the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where couponsgo when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Tongue-Tied

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americansare waiting. "Entschuldigung, köennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" heasks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "ParlaréItaliano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Stillnothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Americanturns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreignlanguage." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew fourlanguages, and it didn't do him any good."

Fine Tuning

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the receptionwas excellent!

The Reason

He: "I'm never going to work for that man again."
She: "Why? What did he say?"
He: "You're fired!"

Childrendo all the work

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand andproceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's somethingI can't figure out. According to theBible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and theChildren of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "Sowhat's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

BulletinBlooper

My appointment as pastorcoincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the churchbulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from thebottom of the second page to the top of the last page— "Welcome to theRev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area inthis century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."

If life were like a PC:

- You could add/remove someone in your lifeusing the control panel.

- You could put your kids in the recycle bin andrestore them when you feel like it!

- You could improve your appearance by adjustingthe display settings.

- You could turn off the speakers when life getstoo noisy.

- You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recoveryour lost remote control and car keys.

- To get your daily exercise, just click on“run”!

- If you mess up your life, you could alwayspress “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

Friday's Funnies

2011-09-23T10:03:00.001-07:00

HOSPITALCHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over ayear.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day itdisappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car forphysical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A Narrow Escape

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down asteep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road outof control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running itagainst the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all gotout, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize acommittee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, developa solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides thatmethod never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apartthe brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think weshould all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Yes ICan!

On the farm where I wasraised, home canning was a big thing. Most folks had a garden and ate out of itall summer; the surplus was put up in bottles for the winter. The common sayingwas: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."

Signsof the Times

Sign outside a secondhand shop: "We Exchange Anything: Bicycles, Washing Machines, etc. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."
Sign on a repair shop door: "We Can Fix Anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the Bell Doesn't Work.)
Notice in a health food window: "Closed Due To Illness"
Sign in a laundromat: "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
Sign in an office kitchen: "After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board."

Seeya

Money talks, but it hasonly a one-word vocabulary: "Goodbye!"

Loose-fitting

Lucyteaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up forthe class to just wear loose-fitting clothing to the class. “Honey,” thelady replied, “if I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t be signing upfor an exercise class.”

A Life-Saver

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings pernight, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolatein a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and Ionly weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away tonothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Oooo...

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field. A few days later he went toanswer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in itsmouth! The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for thismiracle. "Not really a miracle," said the cow. "Your name waswritten inside."

Looking for Space

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of anavailable space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them. "No," said the man. "Justfriends."

Friday's Funnies

2011-09-16T04:56:00.000-07:00

That’s Not My Job

This is a story about four people namedEverybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure thatSomebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it wasEverybody’s job. Everybody thoughtAnybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebodywhen Nobody did what Anybody could have.

The Consultation

"Doctor,I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent ragedisorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is goodfor full recovery."
"How can you know all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

Hand Signals

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father.So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recentSunday, the three-year-old attended church with the family. As the pastorraised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service byshouting, "Touchdown!"

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge forjust answering three simple questions?” Thelawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.” “Athousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive isn’t it?” “It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now,what’s your third question?”

Money’s worth

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?? That's expensive!

Dentist: Okay, I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Outdoorsman

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he toldhim about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge ofa lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down amountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumpedaway from an aggressive rattlesnake." Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be anawesome outdoorsman!" "No,"Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

I have contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see herlicense. After looking it over, he saidto her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearingglasses.” “Well, I have contacts,” thewoman replied. “Look lady, I don’t carewho you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Choosing a Pet

A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been gettinggood grades at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. Hewent to the local pet shop to see what they had. He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick anda baby duck. They were all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? It was a little cheeper!

Alabama

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta,and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts$2.00 each, pants $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe , Lookhere! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear youraccent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fakeGeorgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of themthere shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there pants at $2.50 each. I'llback up my pickup and...." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll fromNorth Alabama , ain' t ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprisedBubba...."How come you knowed that? "Because this is a dry-cleaners."

At the doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in theouter office, my name was finally called. When I got into the examining room,the nurse pointed to the scale and said, “I need to get your weight today.” I immediately replied, “One hour and 5minutes.”

Telephone call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about halfan hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!”said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. Whathappened?” “Wrong number…” replied thegirl.

Friday's Funnies

2011-09-09T01:26:00.001-07:00

Mixed Message

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter. It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

The Educated One

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No — Door! Trust me. I went to college."

Tired

A neighbor said to me, "Steve, you look tired." "I am," I said. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups." "Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?" "Well, I did the first one in 1986."

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
John

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn’t rain.

Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Grandma

Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Grandma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"

Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"

Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. “

SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

~ You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.

~ You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.

~ The church bus is a mini-van that carries seven passengers.

~ Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.

~ Offering is taken up only once a month.

~ Youth group age goes to 30.

~ Senior Adults age start at 40.

~ Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.

~ There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.

~ Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Recall?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Friday's Funnies

2011-09-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

Computer Repair

Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used. "My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer science." "So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled. The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

The Bequest

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Marriage one-liners

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Password

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that her password had to be ‘at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital’…

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh

The Garden

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cain and Abel when the boys were young. Cain and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

Food chain

After discussing the “food chain” with my fifth grade class, I told them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: “Burger King is my favorite food chain.”

Barking dog

One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the backyard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking, Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. “My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbor explained. “If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she’ll leave.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-08-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be Immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. Don't tell me to exercise!

Anniversary Flowers

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fact of Life

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

Just A Note

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

Liturgical Tradition

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit." But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you." One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!" Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks. “Oh, about 165.” he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?” “Oh, about six feet,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high. “High!” The man explains, “Of course it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”

Running away

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked. “Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child. “And what if you run out of money?” “I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to university.”

Getting the Children Ready

During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats. And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag. Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle. “Honey,” he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We’ll be late!” “Here,” his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn.”

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Friday's Funnies

2011-08-19T05:03:00.001-07:00

Sharing

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Making Hay

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Rev'rund," the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Diet Plans

I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, I just switched from using my old shower body wash to using Dawn dish soap, instead. Its label clearly reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

That Explains It

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Snoop

My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

Church Jokes

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Medical student wisdom

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Double bumper

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he actually did it again. “I’m so embarrassed,” he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone. “Why not tell him it was me this time?” his wife suggested. “I could,” he said while dialing, “but that’s what I told him last time.”

T-Shirt Slogans

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.

Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Friday's Funnies

2011-08-12T09:49:00.001-07:00

In a Perfect World...

A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
You could give away a baby bed without then getting pregnant.
Forget-me-nots would actually stimulate the memory.
Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance.
Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
All people could expect to be accepted.
Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

Extra Blessing

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore. Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked. The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Unexpected Sayings

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive more than once.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Confucious Say...

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

A Window Funny

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass. One said to the other, "Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you."

Blond Joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick… "

CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Acronyms

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

Friday's Funnies

2011-08-05T04:59:00.000-07:00

It was so hot...

All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.
Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to, "Just pour and eat."
Some dairy farmers are finding that their dairy cows are producing powdered milk. Don't be surprised if milk cartons in the stores soon display this label: 2% milk, 98% air.
I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.
I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
You eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

How Dry Is It?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

He Knows

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "What's the matter, Philip?" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

A Surgeon Funny

Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Jury duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

The History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

braham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or ‘eBay’ as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth! (And not one mention of Al Gore.)

Friday's Funnies

2011-07-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Creation

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear, Mom?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children and eventually so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. He answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said we developed from monkeys and apes?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Cash Extraction

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Very Punny

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

Life's Little Truisms

Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read and do stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
Remember — the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

High cost of free

Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used. “My sons,” was the reply. “They both have degrees in Computer Science.” “So you get that kind of work done for nothing,” the friend marveled. The co-worker smiled. “Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free.”

Deep Hole

Two southern gentlemen(from Oklahoma) are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's an old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over; count one, two, and three; and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

You're Canadian if:

- You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan” without blinking

- You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
- You know what a tuque (toque?) is
- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
- You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
- You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color
- You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
- Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
- You drive on a highway, not a freeway
- You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
- You understand the sentence, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.”
- You drink pop, not soda
- You love your fries with poutine
- You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
- You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
- “Eh” is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of “eh”… eh?

Meet and Greet

Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."

Friday's Funnies

2011-07-01T07:13:00.001-07:00

The Reason For It

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled, "That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

Cafeteria Rules

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

Have You Ever Wondered....

why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

why they don't just make the entire airplane out of the same material as those indestructible black boxes?

Now That's Bad

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone. One asks the other how bad the drought is. The other replied, "Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."

Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Different Interpretation

You, "said the doctor to his patient, "are in terrible shape. You've got to do something about it. First, tell your wife to cook more nutritious meals. Stop working like a dog. To reduce stress, inform your wife you're going to make a budget and she has to stick to it. And have her keep the kids off your back so you can relax. Unless there are some changes in your life, you'll probably be dead in a month." "Doc," the patient said, "this would sound more official coming from you. Could you please call my wife and give her those instructions?" When the fellow got home, his wife rushed to him. "I talked to the doctor," she wailed. "Poor man, you only have 30 days to live."

Wrong?

One day when my sister was about three years old, she put her shoes on. As three year-olds sometimes do, she put them on the wrong foot. My mother said, "Denise you have your shoes on the wrong feet!" My sister looked down and innocently said, "But mommy, these are the only feet I have!"

Real Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

The sermon

They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.” The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”

Friday's Funnies

2011-06-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it’s at the wrong address.”

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Driving complaint

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror … shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

The Trouble With Dating

Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples:

Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.

My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.

I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

It's About Time

A few weeks after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. "You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."

With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!"

Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.

Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother… "

Keeping secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Marriage Counselor

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Friday's Funnies

2011-06-17T04:12:00.001-07:00

Father’s Day

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, he was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots every which way. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?" "No. I'm looking for one with money in it."

Dad Wins

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?" After no more than a moment of thought, five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Dad's Admiration

I heard of a young mother who went down to the nursery at a hospital and found her young husband peering down at his newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell he was captivated by the scene as he stood there looking toward the sleeping infant, seemingly just in awe. She was so touched that finally she tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm through his and said, "honey, what are you thinking about?" He whispered, "I just can't understand how they're able to make a crib like that for just $89.95."

The List

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item #5: "Think about your wife a lot." After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. #5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?" My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

Adult Truths

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
4. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
9. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
11. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
15. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Computer terminology

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Friday's Funnies

2011-06-10T04:41:00.001-07:00

Urgent Inquiry

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship. One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed, said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How soon do you have to know?"

Say What?

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submaweenes."

Today's Market Activity

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Dr Pepper fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

String

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again. They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?" The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

No Comment…

1 . Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it…

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key... '

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any…

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high...'

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy… '

10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh...

11. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin…

12. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

13. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice… '

14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well, don't go there anymore!'

Friday's Funnies

2011-06-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it getting larger and larger?" Then it hit me.

The Diet Plan

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds." When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day." "From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from the skipping."

23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." "What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

Sign Clarifications

• Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled, "That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
• Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

Old Home

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Another Lawyer Joke

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Momento

Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”
Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Oops!

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said. “It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain.”

Equation of earnings

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work ÷ Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Friday's Funnies

2011-05-20T05:33:00.000-07:00

The Chicken Hunt

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."

You Know You Have A Bad Computer When...

Lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.

You have to pedal it.

The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"

Only chip inside is a Dorito.

When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

You catch a virus from it.

The Symmetry Of Life

At age 4 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

Ever Wonder .....

· Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

· Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

· Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

· Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

· Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

· Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

· Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

· Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

· Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

· Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

· You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

· Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The Real Problem

And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans? Relax, here is our real problem.

In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that vote. They breed and they walk among us...

GPS

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth {it's red} phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked. “My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-05-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?" After a few moments, William answered, "It depends." "It depends on what?" she asked. "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

Things A Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on — it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me — just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket — the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Wedding Advice

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors. The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."

World's Thinnest Books

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

The Amish Phone Directory

The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

Actual Clumsy Ad Copy

• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Perspective

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Planning Ahead

One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

Heaven's Queues*

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line"? The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

*Not to be understood as doctrinally correct.

The Creation

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered,"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Playing house

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?” He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.” “Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.” The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

You Know When It's Time

"Why did you leave your last job?" "It was something my boss said." "What did he say?" "'You're fired!'"

Friday's Funnies

2011-05-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Watching & Waiting

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave — but he didn't. The boy just kept watching. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?" "Nope," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

Basic Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

Watching Over Us

A speeding motorist was caught after being observed by an overhead police helicopter. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "even He is against me?"

Makes Sense

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify..." I always put "A doctor."

Serving Notice

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message: "Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Grandparents’ Answering Machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp …

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, take us to a restaurant, start talking – we are listening.

With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

Piece of advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, and jejune babblement. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-04-29T06:08:00.001-07:00

Food Tax

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the waiter. "Of course," says the waiter. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a Coke, and my alligator will have a tax collector."

Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong, swift strokes on the back. Immediately the boy coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "Oh, I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Tax Code Wisdom

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code. Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it is not terminated." I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as alive if he or she is not dead.

Mail Fraud

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Flag Tax

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA — only we see stars, too!"

Funny Church Signs

When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the chapel reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.” Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

When I become old

When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy, I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head. I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day. I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more. When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again. I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!

The speaker

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.” A voice from the back of the room says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”

Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-04-15T13:19:00.001-07:00

Equal Time

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

Powerful Shopper

In a shop, two men struck up a conversation. Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead. 'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.'

True Answer

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Scheduling Courtesy

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment. When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

What She Said

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?" The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."

What's Wrong with Lawyer Jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think they're jokes.

Murphy's Laws on Work

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
Important documents that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens he/she is carrying.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

Learning to drive

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit. “Oh, she said, “I already know everything in the book.” “You do?” I returned. “Yep”, she said, very smugly. I thought, “OK, I’ll give her a hard one.” So I asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?” “One,” she replied. “What?” I asked. “One?!” She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, “One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one.”

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

Friday's Funnies

2011-04-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

One Moment, Please...

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

That's Cold

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Good Answer

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

First-Hand Evidence

An impish boy turned over the porta-pottie at his father's contruction site. His father later questioned him about it and the boy confessed to the prank. His father spanked him for committing the vandalism. But the boy protested that George Washington's father did not spank him because he told the truth. The boy's father looked squarely in his eyes and said, "Yes, but George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

We could have been here sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Hey, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here 10 years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Wedding Jokes - One Liners by the Famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Ten minute wait

I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on: “If you have been waiting longer than 10 minutes, you may press eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait.”

How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good

Open a new file on your computer.

Entitle it ‘Housework.’

Place it in the Recycle Bin.

Empty the Recycle Bin.

Your computer will ask you, ‘Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?’

Answer ‘Yes’ and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better

Funny Church Signs

Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptized.

If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?

Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.

No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Good Experience

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."

Friday's Funnies

2011-04-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

April Fool's Day...

One radio station prank took place on April Fool’s Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings. Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

A Direct Response

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. Frobisher said, "Dewey, give me a sentence with a direct object." Dewey replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Dewey," responded Mrs. Frobisher, "but what is the object?" Dewey replied, "To get the best grade possible."

It Hurts All Over

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." And the doctor says, "That's impossible." "No, really!" she said, " Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts," she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Putting Words In His Mouth

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

Father's Wisdom

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

When I Was Young

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

Author Unknown

WHERE is my Sunday paper!

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

The Lecture

A retired gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife."

Oh...

An elderly man told his pastor about a variety of health problems. His hearing was going as well as his eyesight. He couldn't remember things. He told the pastor, "I don't know why God just doesn't take me." His pastor tried to reassure him by saying, "God must still have something for you to do." The old man snapped, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not going to do it."

Friday's Funnies

2011-03-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

Because Seniors are now texting, here is the STC (Senior Texting Code)

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FMI: Found My Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Life's not fair

Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and five more.”

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Clifton,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Don't want to go to school

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

21st-century

Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

Friday's Funnies

2011-03-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

The Meaning Of Life

There was a woman who was a high school counselor and thus knew all the signs of emotional upheaval. One morning her preteen daughter showed up for breakfast, dragging her feet and rubbing her eyes. The young girl flopped down in her chair and told her mother she was sick of life. All of her mother's high school counselor alarms went off as she rushed around the breakfast bar, put an arm around her daughter, and began to explain to her why life is worth living. The daughter looked up at her with a confused look on her face and said, "Mom!?! I meant Life cereal."

Government Workers

Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Trooper's Orders

Driving through Georgia on Interstate 75, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass. After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I am a Tennessee trooper."

Singing At Sea?

There was a nice bathroom scale in our cruise ship's cabin. Since the sign in front of the fitness center claimed that the average cruiser gained seven to ten pounds during a cruise, I figured the scale was a way to help the cruiser avoid the weight gain. I stepped on the scale. It was ten pounds too low. I asked my wife to try it. She said that it was registering about ten pounds too low. The thing was apparently broken. The ship had excellent service and I was super impressed with the cabin steward. I didn't mention it to him, but he must have known that our scale was out of whack and not measuring correctly. When I stepped on the scale on the last day of the cruise, sure enough my weight was reading perfectly. Excellent cruise service!

36 Funny Places to Live Around the World

Would you live in a place called Accident or would you rather call your home Rest or Cool? Check out these real town names and choose your favorite spot to live.

Places you want to live
Cool, California
Beer, Devon, England
Disco, Tennessee
Fear Not, Pennsylvania
Wonkifong, Guinea

Places you may not want to live
Accident, Maryland
Arsenic Tubs, New Mexico
Dismal, Tennessee
Double Trouble, New Jersey
Moron, Mongolia
Satan's Kingdom, Vermont

Delicious places to see
Bead Loaf, Vermont
Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Clam, Virginia
Egg, Austria
Toast, North Carolina

Cute places
Cabbage Patch, California
Silly, Belgium
Sweet Lips, Tennessee
Polkadott, Ohio
Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario, Canada

Places where the animals go
Bumble Bee, Arizona
Chicken, Alaska
Porcupine, South Dakota
Doghouse Junction, California

Scary places
Eek, Alaska
Frankenstein, Missouri
Hell, Michigan
Hurt, Virginia
Monster, Netherlands
River Styx, Ohio

Questionable places
Why, Arizona
Whynot, North Carolina
Who's Thought It, Texas

Friday's Funnies

2011-03-04T04:41:00.000-08:00

Gift of Helps

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."

Unanswered Prayer

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." Pondering that response, she looked at him for a moment and then said, "How come He doesn't answer it?"

All Men and All Girls

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" She said, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"

Another Lawyer Joke

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Old age quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he’s handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he’s finished, he’ll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won’t forget where he parked your car.

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it’s usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.

Disorders

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Regards, Branch Manager

A second note followed the report:

Mr. Smith was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.

Regards, Branch Manager

Friday's Funnies

2011-02-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

The Invasion

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

The Rating

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Great News

The young wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with pride. Kissing his wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." She gushed, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother will be moving in with us tomorrow."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Marie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A Friendly Sale

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Fifteen dollars each." "Who bought them?" "I did!"

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

Smart Soles

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

Friday's Funnies

2011-02-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

The Way It Is

The evening news on TV is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The DayPlanner

My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "That's what you did yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."

The Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Tips for Northerners Traveling South

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2.) If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.) If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.) Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.) Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
11.) People walk slower here.
12.) Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ” big ol’ “, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) Be advised: The ” he needed killin’ ” defense is valid here.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait til after Thanksgiving.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store and don’t ask why; it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
23.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In Florida, the farther south you go, the farther north you get.
24.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ Piggly-Wiggly used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Work history

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!